Author’s Note: This is for the community and organizational leaders in the room. This is not to minimize the pain and suffering of the actual victims of loss and grief. This is to support those who consider themselves leaders in the midst of tragedy.
Grief and loss are universal experiences that touch every life at some point. Despite their prevalence, these emotions are often messy, confusing, awkward, misunderstood, and at times, mishandled.
As a leader—a true empathetic leader—you will witness a lot of grief and loss in your lifetime. Think of the mayor or town official who has seen generations and families come and go, or the pastor who sits almost weekly at hospital bedsides comforting those who mourn, or the CEO who will inevitably have to deal with the tragic losses within their company's family.
As leaders, we often have the desire to alleviate all the pain. We attempt to guard our followers and communities from divergent pain and challenges (pain and challenges that are not directly associated with our vision or cause). We can take on the role of a parent with a desire to shield our people from hurt and harm. Obsessively, we assume this mantle, whether asked to or not. It is not out of ego or hubris but because we love deeply, care compassionately, and our passion—often focused on the next great vision and mountain to climb—knows no other place to go.
Dealing with loss and grief can be tough for leaders. We are often built, designed, and hardwired to look at the optimistic horizon. Grief and loss are a suspension of that optimism. That is a hard place to be in, but worthy of exploration nonetheless.
My current working theory: if you were to look at sadness/depression and joy/optimism on a pendulum—with sadness/depression at the far left and joy/optimism on the far right—I believe the pendulum is actually a sphere or circle that connects. If you start with sadness/depression on the left side and swing all the way around—noticing all the other in-between emotions—you’d find yourself at joy/optimism at the tail end of the pendulum, actually right next to sadness/depression.
Why? Because both extremely different emotions require similar elements: strong emotional discharge, fanaticism, and total absorption.
Joy/optimism is the brother, or at least the cousin, of sadness/depression. Both require strong emotional energy and exertion. Both create a space for fanaticism—single-minded, focused discipline/obsession/running thoughts. And, both require an absorption of inner reflection, nirvana, suffocation, and/or exhilaration.
Because of that, leaders—who we often see as extremely passionate and optimistic—can actually spiral into acute or prolonged bouts of depression when dealing with grief and/or loss. A true empathic leader takes on the emotions and feelings of the community during loss and grief. It can actually feel like you are "wearing" the emotion or swallowing some of it. This reminds me of the movie, The Green Mile, where a character named John Coffey has the supernatural ability to take on and absorb the pain and suffering of others, almost as if he is drawing out their emotional and physical anguish into himself.
Similarly, empathic leaders may find themselves internalizing the grief and loss of their community, leading to profound personal challenges as they navigate their own emotional health while supporting others. This deep connection and empathy, while powerful, can also become a heavy burden. Or, as John in The Green Mile puts it, "I'm tired, boss. Tired of bein' on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. Tired of not ever having me a buddy to be with, or tell me where we's coming from or going to, or why. Mostly I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world every day. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head all the time.”
We reflect what our followers feel, often internally asking ourselves, "What pain, discomfort, sadness can I absorb so others do not have to feel it so strongly?"
Let's take a look at two iconic leaders who took on the emotional burden of their communities:
Martin Luther King Jr. was deeply connected to the emotions and struggles of the African American community during the Civil Rights Movement. He constantly faced the grief and loss experienced by those who suffered racial injustice and violence. King's empathy and ability to vocalize the collective pain of his community made him a powerful leader. His speeches and actions reflected a profound understanding of their suffering, and he often took on this emotional burden to inspire hope and drive change.
Similarly, Mother Teresa bore the emotions and grief of the communities she served. Working in the slums of Calcutta, India, she dedicated her life to caring for the sick, poor, and dying. Her deep empathy and compassion allowed her to connect with individuals suffering profound loss and despair.
Both leaders experienced significant bouts of depression throughout their lives. Despite his public image as a strong and resilient leader, King faced profound personal challenges, including feelings of depletion and the mental toll of constant threats and opposition. Letters published after her death revealed that Mother Teresa experienced long periods of intense emotional suffering and a sense of spiritual dryness. These revelations highlighted her inner battles with doubt and depression, contrasting with her public persona of unwavering faith and dedication.
Let me suggest three things to work on the next time grief and loss strike your company or community:
Acknowledge the Grief Openly: First, acknowledge the emotions of grief with yourself. Be honest. Be kind to yourself. Empathetic leaders should not shy away from addressing the grief and loss their community or organization is experiencing. By openly acknowledging the pain and sorrow, leaders validate the emotions of those affected.
Provide Emotional Support and Resources: Empathetic leaders should ensure that their community or organization has access to the necessary emotional support and resources to cope with grief. This includes both professional assistance and peer support. Additionally, be the leader that sits with people in their grief and loss. Talking, providing words of wisdom and having a masterplan are not required. Just being there is important.
Model Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Take your strong emotional discharge, fanaticism, and total absorption and focus it on modeling. Leaders set the tone for how grief and loss are handled within their community or organization. By modeling healthy coping mechanisms, they can help others navigate their own grief.