Conflict is an inevitable part of life. Whether it’s at work, in our communities, volunteer organizations, or even our homes, we all encounter disagreements and misunderstandings. In fact, approximately 85% of employees report experiencing some form of conflict at work, and 56% of those employees have been diagnosed with stress, anxiety, or depression as a result. Workplace conflict alone costs U.S. companies an estimated $359 billion annually in lost productivity and hours paid.
But conflict isn't confined to the workplace; it permeates every aspect of our lives. Many people feel that conflict and disagreement are more prevalent today than ever before. This constant state of discord leads to feelings of unsafety, insecurity, and a lack of belonging. As community leaders, whether in our jobs, our neighborhoods, or our families, it’s essential to address these issues to help our communities thrive. We cannot achieve a state of self-actualization and accomplishment if we are stuck trying to meet our basic needs for safety, security, and belonging (Maslow's Hierarchy of Need).
Years of unresolved trauma and conflict have created division in our communities. In the field of learning and development, especially concerning conflict and mediation, there's often a temptation to jump straight into formulas or processes to resolve conflict. These are good and helpful, however, I suggest we first step back and consider conflict from a neurological and biological perspective. Our personal histories significantly influence how we enter and resolve conflicts. How we were raised and what happened during critical developmental periods can provide clarity and a roadmap for dealing with conflict today.
In "What Happened To You," Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey explore how our brain functions during and after trauma. This book offers valuable insights into our brains' processing of trauma, which can be incredibly helpful in understanding conflict. The authors explain that our brain continually receives input from our five senses, which is then processed sequentially from the oldest, most lizard part of our brain (the brainstem) to our newest, most advanced part of our brain (cortex). For effective reasoning with another person, we must navigate through these lower brain areas to reach the cortex, responsible for problem-solving and reflective cognition.
However, when someone is stressed, angry, frustrated, or otherwise dysregulated - unable to manage emotional responses - this input processing becomes distorted and delayed. In conflict situations, this dysregulation often leads to emotional, heated, and sometimes illogical interactions. We’ve all been there! Physiological responses such as getting physically hot, sweating, clammy hands, stomach discomfort, and even disorientation are all signs of our brainstem and survival mode being activated.
This is where the concept of "Regulate, Relate, and Reason" becomes crucial. Without regulation - achieving a balanced state - it is challenging to connect with another person. Without connection, reasoning becomes almost impossible. Regulation is the cornerstone of safe and effective communication. To communicate successfully, we must ensure that both we and the other person are regulated, establish a relationship, and then attempt to reason.
The Three-Step Approach: Regulate, Relate, and Reason
1. Regulate: involves managing our emotional and physiological state to achieve a balanced and calm condition. Here are some ways to regulate yourself and others:
Deep Breathing: Practice deep breathing exercises to calm your nervous system. "Let's both take a moment to breathe deeply. Inhale slowly for four seconds, hold it for four, and then exhale for four. This will help us calm down and think more clearly."
Physical Activity: Engage in physical activities like walking to release built-up tension (walking with someone and attempting to resolve a conflict is a classic example of this). “Why don't we take a short walk around the block? A bit of fresh air and movement might help us clear our heads before we continue this conversation."
Mindfulness and Meditation: Use mindfulness techniques and meditation to center your thoughts and reduce stress. Even reminding yourself to regulate before you enter a tough situation that might lead to a conflict, as well as reminding yourself that the other person might become triggered and dysregulated is helpful.
Take a Break: Sometimes, stepping away from the situation can help clear your mind and reset your emotions. "I think we both need a little break. How about we take 10 minutes to step away and gather our thoughts before we come back to this?"
2. Relate: Once regulated, the next step is to establish a connection or relationship with the other person. Here are some strategies to relate effectively:
Active Listening: Listen attentively without interrupting. Show empathy and understanding. "I hear you saying that you're really frustrated with the current situation. Can you tell me more about what specifically is bothering you?"
Validate Emotions: Acknowledge the other person's feelings and experiences without judgment. "I can see that this has been really challenging for you. It's completely understandable to feel upset given the circumstances."
Find Common Ground: Identify shared values or goals to build a sense of unity and cooperation. "We both want this project to succeed. Let's focus on that shared goal and see how we can work together to achieve it."
Nonverbal Communication: Use positive body language, such as maintaining eye contact and open postures, to show you are engaged and receptive.
3. Reason: After establishing regulation and connection, you can move on to reasoning and problem-solving:
Collaborative Problem-Solving: Work together to find mutually beneficial solutions. "Let's brainstorm some solutions together. What ideas do you have that we could consider to resolve this issue?"
Clear Communication: Express your thoughts and needs clearly and respectfully. "I feel that the deadlines are too tight, which is causing me stress. Can we discuss adjusting the timeline?"
Set Boundaries: Establish and respect boundaries to ensure a healthy and productive dialogue. "I think it's important that we both respect each other's time. How about we agree to meet for one hour to discuss this and then reassess if we need more time?"
Seek Mediation: If necessary, involve a neutral third party to facilitate the discussion and resolution process. "It seems like we're having trouble finding common ground. Would you be open to involving a mediator to help us navigate this discussion more effectively?"
Effective conflict resolution, communication, teaching, coaching, parenting, and leading require awareness of and adherence to this sequence of engagement. By focusing on regulating emotions, relating to others, and reasoning together, we can create safer, more connected, and more productive communities.