This past week I was training an individual on Conflict and Resolution and I thought I would share some of our “linchpin” thoughts on the topic. Conflict in the workplace is unavoidable, but understanding how the brain processes emotions during conflict can help leaders and employees respond more effectively.
Inspired by the work of Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson in The Whole-Brain Child, as well as Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey’s research and discussion on emotional regulation in What Happened to You?, we can use the analogy of a house to explore how emotions, relationships, and reasoning are essential in conflict resolution.
The Brain House analogy, originally developed by Siegel and Bryson, describes the brain as a house with different floors representing various functions. In this model:
The upstairs brain (neocortex) handles reasoning, decision-making, and empathy.
The downstairs brain (limbic system and brainstem) is responsible for survival instincts and emotional responses.
Building on this framework, we introduce a middle room—a crucial space representing relationships and emotional connection. This addition aligns with Dr. Perry's Regulate, Relate, and Reason model, emphasizing the importance of emotional regulation and connection (relating) before logical reasoning can occur.
The Downstairs Brain: Instinct and Survival
The “downstairs” brain—the brainstem—is where our most primal reactions live. This is the part of the brain responsible for fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses when conflict arises. Think of it as the security and boiler system in the basement of the Brain House. When people feel threatened or overwhelmed during a conflict, their nervous system can take over, resulting in reactive and emotional responses (or a hot boiler!).
Leadership Insight: When someone is in this emotional phase of conflict, it’s not the time to jump to problem-solving. Regulation must come first—leaders can help by recognizing emotional triggers and providing tools to calm the situation.
The Middle Room (Kitchen, Dining and Living Room): Relationship and Connection
Conflict resolution often stalls because people try to reason their way out of emotional states. However, Dr. Perry’s model teaches that relational engagement must come before logical problem-solving. The middle room of the Brain House—representing our mammal brain—is where trust, empathy, and emotional connection reside. This room acts as the bridge between survival instincts and higher-level thinking, not unlike what a good kitchen or living room can do for relationships.
In conflict situations, after calming initial reactions, leaders must engage relationally. This means taking time to listen, acknowledge emotions, and rebuild trust before jumping to solutions. Humans need to feel emotionally safe before they can engage in reflective thinking.
Leadership Insight: Take time to connect. Show empathy, ask open-ended questions, practice reflective inquiry and help the other person feel heard. Simple acts like validating emotions—"I can see you're frustrated"—go a long way in moving the conflict from reaction to reflection.
The Upstairs Brain (Bedroom and Study): Reason and Problem-Solving
Once emotions are regulated and trust is re-established, the upstairs brain—where logical thinking and problem-solving happen—can fully engage. The neocortex allows us to reflect on our actions, explore creative solutions, and make decisions with empathy. But without addressing the emotional phases first, this part of the brain remains out of reach during high-conflict moments.
Leadership Insight: Once emotional regulation and connection have been achieved, only then is it productive to discuss solutions. Trying to force rational conversations without first engaging the emotional layers often backfires, leading to unresolved issues or further tension.
Dr. Perry’s Regulate, Relate, and Reason model offers a powerful framework for leaders managing conflict. Here’s how you can apply it in your workplace:
Regulate (Downstairs Brain):
Help calm emotional reactions. Use tools like breathing exercises, going for a walk, taking breaks, or creating a calm space for people to gather themselves before engaging in conversation.Relate (Middle Room):
Once emotions are regulated, build trust and connection. Engage with empathy, ask questions, and listen actively. Refrain from offering solutions too quickly—this is the phase to rebuild relational bridges.Reason (Upstairs Brain):
When emotions are calm and trust is re-established, move into problem-solving and reasoning. This is the time for structured conversations, brainstorming solutions, and making thoughtful decisions.
Conflict often arises when people operate from their downstairs brain, overwhelmed by emotions, and struggle to access their upstairs, logical brain. Leaders who understand this model can guide their teams through emotional phases of conflict with more empathy and effectiveness.
By first regulating emotions, then building connections, and finally engaging in reasoning, leaders can create a more collaborative work environment where conflicts become opportunities for growth.
References:
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind.
Winfrey, O., & Perry, B. D. (2021). What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing.