If we return to the word hesed we mentioned a few weeks ago - a steadfast, one-way love - helpfulness is this word in action. It is a quiet doing that fits the needs around you. David Powlison, a biblical scholar, reflected on helpfulness by stating, “to be helpful is to be free - of messianic delusions, of pride, of condescension, of despair, of impossible burdens, of selfish withdrawal. Helpfulness is humble, caring, forgiving, and constructive in innumerable small ways. And ‘helpful’ is the very best we can be for each other.”
Paul Miller concludes, “there’s not a lot of drama in helpfulness, but it is the fabric of love.”
When we look at the core tenets of our last few posts: Hope, Humanity, Humility and now Helpfulness, it's important to figure out how we can strive to practice these in our community.
Researcher Frank Fujita writes, “Social comparisons can make us happy or unhappy. Upward comparisons can inspire or demoralize us, whereas downward comparisons can make us feel superior or depress us. In general, however, frequent social comparisons are not associated with life satisfaction or the positive emotion of love and joy but are associated with the negative emotions of fear, anger, shame, and sadness.” Comparing ourselves to others is a slippery slope to fear, anger, shame, sadness. Compassion, empathy and being able to see our communities and our community members where they are is the antidote.
Look
The eyes say a lot about a person and perhaps most noticeably where they are looking. Action begins with the eyes. Hope, humanity, humility and helpfulness begin with looking. We look to catch a ball, we look to run downfield, we look to see where our community needs help. Let’s translate ‘looking’ into ‘paying attention.’ Paying attention is the first step of going into someone else’s world. We must look around, physically and emotionally, to see what our community needs.
When we look into another person’s world we are empathizing with them. Empathy is an effort of compassion. Compassion is the daily practice of recognizing and accepting our shared humanity so that we can treat ourselves and others with love and kindness, and we take action in the face of suffering. We can respond empathetically only if we are willing to be present to someone’s pain.
Empathize
Empathy is an emotional skill set that allows us to understand what someone is experiencing and to deflect back that understanding. Empathy helps interpersonal decision making, facilitates ethical choices and moral judgments, enhances short-term subjective well-being, strengthens relational bonds, allows people to better understand how others see them, and enhances prosocial and altruistic behavior. Empathy is about understanding what someone is feeling, not feeling it for them.
Theresa Wiseman studied empathy across helping professions and developed four attributes. Brené Brown has added fifth from Kristin Nef:
Attributes of Empathy:
Perspective taking - what is that experience like for you
Staying out of judgment - listening without putting a value on it
Recognizing emotion - reaching into myself and connecting with what the other person might be feeling
Communicating our understanding of the emotion - vulnerable sharing and reflecting our emotions back to the person
Practicing mindfulness - Feeling emotion and moving through it
Acknowledge
As we look around and begin to empathize with the true world we live in (our workplaces, our churches, our towns, our families, etc.), we must take a proactive approach to acknowledging what we see. Acknowledgement is acceptance of the truth or existence of something. Acknowledgement is confronting the brutal facts of our current reality. Oftentimes, we would prefer to acknowledge quietly, to ourselves and move on. The exercise here is to be vocal with your acknowledgment. Like the axiom, ‘if you see something, say something,” being helpful through acknowledgement is about saying something (in writing, being vocal, representation).
The Conversation by Dr Robert Livingston. and Nice Racism by Dr. Robin DiAngelo were to profound books I read a few years ago that highlighted the systemic problem with racism. It provided a stark acknowledgment of my compliance and complacency with the system. I was part of the problem. First I looked, then I empathized, but then I had to acknowledge my own shortcomings, faults and transgressions.
Decide
Finally, we need to decide how to act. Deciding to act is the culmination of our observations, empathy, and acknowledgment. It's the point where intention transforms into action. Once we've looked around, empathize with others' experiences, and acknowledged the truth of the situation, we're equipped to make informed decisions about how to proceed. This decision-making process involves careful consideration of the available options, weighing the potential outcomes, and selecting the course of action that aligns with our values and goals. Deciding to act requires courage, compassion, and a commitment to positive change. Whether it's offering a helping hand to a neighbor in need, speaking out against injustice, or initiating a community-wide initiative, our decisions to act can have a profound impact on those around us.
LEAD
As a helpful little acronym and a way to directly apply the lessons from above, think of the acronym LEAD. When we are called to provide hope, humanity, humility and helpfulness, we must first Look around, find the areas in which we Empathize, Acknowledge how we and others are feeling, and then Decide how to Act.
Look around and pay attention. Find moments and opportunities to empathize
Empathize by perspective taking, being non judgemental, recognizing emotion, communicating and practicing mindfulness
Acknowledge the truth of the current situation
Decide what actions need to be taken (if any)
I would love to hear from you over the next week as you begin to implement this LEAD model. Where are you looking? How do you best practice empathy? What has been tough to acknowledge recently? What decisions are you making?